So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
