Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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