First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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