I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
