He is such a slut. More and more my type.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
