I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
