I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i will never coherently bang her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hippo gnu deer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
