I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
