I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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