is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Buhtt sex?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
