i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
