Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
