I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
