4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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