I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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