I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
