the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
