My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize