The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
