Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
