Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
a search helicopter?!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
