dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
