So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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