i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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