theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
