I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize