I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
