Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
