I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize