I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
