Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
