I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she told me i tasted like america
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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