Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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