you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize