shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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