Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
