My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
