in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize