he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
