You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
