Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
