I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
