Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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