he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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