i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
