i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
