So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize