I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
