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please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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