Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
