hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize