Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
