Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Watching her eat just hurts me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize