Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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