Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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