Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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